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1.01.2005
Wah, Wah, Wah!!!I hate winter break, because it makes me feel obligated to spend time with my family, and the fact that it's such an obligation makes me, in turn, feel guilty about not being more willing to do so in the first place. It also means being forced to spend time doing shit I used to do when I was at home, like play the piano, for lack of better things to do (one can only be online for so long before feeling like a pathetic loser), which is completely frustrating. I hit the peak of my piano virtuoso-ism (whatever) when I was probably in 6th grade. I could play major and minor and augmented and diminished arpeggios up and down the keys, alternating and inverting and blindfolded. I could close my eyes and play any key on demand. My fingers could probably snap a human neck (of an infant)if I really wanted to, back then. Now, years after my final piano lesson, I'm bigger, dumber, and clumsier. My fingers are sausage-like both in aesthetics and dexterity. My shoulders get tensed up in complete frustration, and my toes crinkle up with anguish. To know that eight years ago, I could play pretty much anything I wanted, and now, at almost 20 years of age, I fuck up something I could have taken a shit on when I was 9 years old -- makes me just want to smash my face repeatedly on the black and whites. My hands feel fat, ugly, and retarded. They feel atrophied from the years of doing nothing but scratching my butt and picking my nose. I really can't express to you how helpless I feel; how I feel like the years keep passing and I'm doing nothing but getting dumber and more useless with each passing day. I'm becoming incompetent at things I used to be pretty good at, and the only thing I'm getting better at these days is being a big, whining, complaining sack of shit (see title). I'm going to bed in defeat now. My tail is hanging between my legs, the cows have come home, and the fact lady has sung. I'm still all tense from being mad at myself for just sucking at everything. I really hate you so much.
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college. :p      |